Do not fill your memory with resentment, Otherwise, there will not be space for happiness…
A person doesn’t forget the negative emotions. It’s mainly happens, so a man then could ask himself "How to get rid of resentment?” Sadly, but our mind is made the way that the resentment has become nearly a norm for a human. Like drinking or breathing. Many people make it their favorite hobby, almost the main method of survival. How to let go all the negative feelings of offence? - they don’t even think about it. However, if this question suddenly appeared in your head, then the only way to answer it is to understand how the offence works and what the psychology of resentment actually means.
The main purpose of insult is so the opponent could experience negative feelings. The person, who insults you, obviously wants to make you feel bad. And the opposite, the offended person wants to you to suffer from powerlessness, of conscience, of guilt. Resentment destroys friendship and family. How often do we hear about cases where the ex-wife, holding a grudge, deprives children of communication with the father? So, because of anger, the lives of innocent people get destroyed. The psychology of resentment is a powerful tool in family and marital relations. It seems that people in close, strong relationship, "must know everting" what offenses the partner, and of course, must not or say it. So it’s very convenient to get offended because the partner didn’t know the thing he supposed to guess. This is a classic of women grudge! The women emotional intelligence is more developed; they are more sensitive to hints and halftones. And they expect the same from men: empathy at the level of telepathy – “since you love me, you should know or guess.” It happens that resentment is used as a way of manipulating a partner. For example - to earn forgiveness, you have to do something. Don’t fall into this trap! If you feel that your partner is using you in this way, stop and discuss such behavior.
Don’t build a "harmless" relationship, build secure one. To do this, partners need to talk to each other: about yourself, about your partner, about feelings and about love. The main recommendation for all couples at all times: talk to each other. If you have a feeling of resentment - talk about it. If you want to offend - talk about it. If you are offended - talk about it.
“I’m offended” and “I was insulted”
First of all, it is necessary to understand the difference between "I was offended" and "I'm insulted." In the version of “I was insulted”, there is an objective manifestation of negativity in your direction: you were insulted, someone was rude to you, someone has raised the voice at you, you were unfairly accused, devalued. In this case, the offender wants to hurt you; this is his evil intent, plan.
However, you may feel resentment even, if the person didn’t want to offend you. What can be said about the “I’m offended." In this case, the objective is not the actions, words or behavior of another, but your feelings. You may feel resentment, even if the person did nothing wrong.
If the emotion of resentment is your feeling not the goal of the offender, you should say it immediately and directly. The best form of communication is something so called “I-message”. The formula for it is simple: I - feeling being experienced — the reason. This may sound like:
- “It hurts me when you ignore my requests”
- “I feel resentment when you compliment other women in front of me, please don't do that”
- “It hurts me a lot when you're late, try not to do it again”
When we are offended, we experience stress-spontaneous biochemical changes at all levels happen in our body. As a result-increased blood pressure, hormonal disorders. If stress is a tension, then the only thing that can neutralize it is calmness- with which the body comes back to normal. By keep running over and over the same unpleasant situation in your head, you destroy health.
The ability to forgive: why is it necessary?
Of course, there are deep emotional wounds and shocks that heal long and painful. However, no matter how dip they are, it is in your power to say goodbye to them forever. Wasting your time and mental strength on resentment, hatred and anger - means losing joy, happiness and health. Happiness is impossible without the ability to forgive, and love means forgiveness. Moreover, the power of feeling is directly proportional to this ability. Forgiveness, in essence, is a continuous spiritual cleansing. Physical health directly depends on the emotional state. Often we get physical health problems from a strong psychological impact.
How to learn to forgive?
Only when we relieve the burden of resentment we become masters of their own destiny. Only then, we begin to understand that our "abusers" are ordinary people, to whom nothing human is alien, and therefore they can be wrong and make mistakes. Our love will help to understand this fact and forgive our offenders. The ability to forgive is a “secret weapon”, that should be always with us. It is through forgiveness that you can lose a heavy burden from your shoulders. Offenders are often not even aware of how hard is it for offended, what thoughts they have inside them. Therefore, it is necessary to learn to forgive at least for selfish reasons. However, is it so easy to forgive? Why is it not always possible to forgive truly? We say to each other “I’m so sorry" or “I forgive you” and that is it. Only formally, in words. And deep down, everything remains the same. The problem is that, at the moment of resentment, you experience a sudden mental pain, anger, self-pity and strong feeling of hate to the offender. In other words, offended by the soul and heart. And you more often forgive with your head not your soul. That is why unforgiven offense continues to ruin your life. With your mind you should understand, why it is so necessary to forgive and you can forgive only with your heart.
Get your head set for forgiveness
To do this, you need to sit down, close your eyes and relax. Try to replay the feeling of resentment in your head. Imagine taking a splinter out of your soul. Then imagine the light that fills you. You have to physically feel that resentment is leaving your soul. Usually the person has a feeling of heat or chills during this process; some people feel goosebumps all over their body. This process is quite painful, but the game is worth the candle. Because after the process of spiritual purification comes a sense of relief and joy.
The method “Forgiveness”
Forgiving a man, we let him go. When we ask for forgiveness, we free ourselves. This meditation can be done anywhere and at any time, and unlimited number of times. This is hygiene of the soul.
Sit down, relax, take a deep breath and exhale, and once again-a deep breath, and exhale. Let go of all the tension in the body, all the weight, and swing on the waves of your breath. Call the image of the person with whom you would like to conduct a ritual of forgiveness. Imagine him standing in front of you. Look at him closely: how he looks like, what does him wear, whether you see him clearly or the image is blurred. What do you want to say to that person? “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you?” The first thing that comes to mind will be the most correct. Now say to this man: “Forgive me, and I forgive you, and I forgive myself in my relationship with you. I let go of all the dark things that happened between us, I do not blame myself for any the feelings, emotions, experiences I had in a relationship with you. I want to let go everything that is not love in our relationship.” After that imagine, how the violet flame gets into your body and in the image of this person. "I’m asking the fire to clear all feelings, emotions in relations with you, I’m asking to clear pain, offense, envy, hatred, jealousy – all that not is love in our relations. I forgive and let go of this, entire all that prevents my disclosure, freedom, love." Then you can make a list of painful negative emotions that was given to you, remember all the moment of pain and mentally burn them in symbolic fire forgetting all pain, and starting a relationship from fresh start. After this process, you should leave all negative emotions behind and feel relieved. The main point of this rule is to be honest with yourself. If you already have decided to let go of all resentment, so there are no need to come back to it in every quarrel. “Forgive and forget” as the sages say. After the procedure, put all the insults in the so-called “Pandora’s box”, throw them out of your head and out of memory and don’t return to them.
The technique “Pensive”
Many people have watched films or read books about the adventures of Harry Potter - the hero of the book J. Rowling's books. In the fifth part of the wizard met with such a device as a "Pensive". In this vessel, wizards can move small clouds of thoughts to forget about them or Vice versa to remember and analyze them later. You can do the same with your own; put them on hold for “later.” This method will help you realize how important this offense was, and whether it was a resentment at all? If after a week of you offence was on “hold”, you remember what you were offended by, this problem is worth discussing. If not, then there was no resentment at all.
The technique “Deliberate indifference”
Try not to pay attention to offensive words and actions from your point of view. Imagine that all of these words were said not about you and not for you, but to someone else. After doing this experiment for some time you will realize that you taking many situations much easier and therefore having less stress.
The method “Mirror”
It’s more complicated. Its meaning is to imagine yourself in the role of a person who offends you, and try to understand the reason of his behavior. Usually, if an individual begins to think in this direction, many aspects become much clear to understand.
The technique “Let it go”
It already happened. Nothing can be changed, the situation has developed, it may be at a time of pain and resentment will be difficult to forget it, but you need to make an effort and switch, because you have already determined that you are uncomfortable. Let go of the situation, step forward. "Live in present, not in the past.”
The technique “Benefits”
As we have said before that resentment can be beneficial to you. For this technique, you first need to realize what benefits you get from resentment. Does everybody pity you? Do you understand that the one who offended you is now ashamed and you are pleased? The next step is to try to imagine the benefits of living without resentment. For example: a good mood, the opportunity to build new relationships or improve relations with the abuser, reduction of stress. It is necessary to understand what the benefit of forgiveness is personally for you and how forgiveness can affect your life as a whole, make you happier and change the existing relationship. After realizing, that there are more benefits in life without resentment, it will be much easier for you to let go of the situation.
The technique of “Sympathy”
In some cases, understanding the offender's life situation will help you forgive him. Please understand that a person not always intentionally wants to offend you. There are people, who are unable to explain themselves properly. Only because of it, the person said that you have a strange dress, though he meant unusual. Maybe the person had a bad life experience and he doesn’t know other ways of communication or he had a very bad day and now he sincerely repents, feeling extremely uncomfortable. The only thing you can do in these cases is to sympathize to such people.
The technique “Focusing on good”
Learning to forgive grievances is simple, you need to start focusing your attention not on resentment, but on something else, more positive, calm and useful. Turn on your favorite music or do what brings you joy. Watch a motivational movie or video. Everything you see and feel in your life depends on your thoughts and desires. You attract resentment and those people who hurt you. Liberate from negative thoughts and these people will disappear from your life.
And, of course, “Love”
The best medicine for forgiveness is love. If you love yourself, you love your neighbor. After all, we are all imperfect, and therefore we tend to make mistakes. We too willingly or unwittingly offend others. Only love helps not to judge, but to forgive. How to determine whether you have really forgiven or not? If you remember a bad situation calmly without emotion, then it means that you have forgiven. You are the “Campion of forgiveness”, if you can remember your offender with a smile and mentally wish him well. If you still care about something and that touches you, then you have not completely forgiven and said “goodbye” to the situation.
Any forgiveness needs time. The deeper and stronger the resentment, the more powerful the feelings in the soul were stirred up. Don’t thing that your offence can go away in a day. However, the presence of the desire to cope with resentment is the key to success. When we forgive, we give ourselves a priceless gift. If we find within ourselves the power to forgive, we have the opportunity to change our position in life and become the master of life, not the victim. Forgiveness from the heart relieves heaviness and makes us feel free. Free from a sense of injustice, from the pain, from the actions of the offender. However, for forgiveness to be complete the willpower is not enough. It is also long and hard work on yourself with all your soul. Admitting you were wrong and trying to ask for forgiveness are very difficult steps too. You feel the com in your throat; words are not coming out from your mouth. The result of this is a banal, squeezed out: "Well, sorry..." instead of the earlier prepared speech. You need to learn to talk about your feelings openly.
Having learned to forgive and admitting our own mistakes, we become wiser. We become real adults. No need to think that everyone around you are wrong except you and you have never hurt anyone. Imagine that, somewhere in the world, there can be a person, doing all rituals to forgive you. You will be surprised, but most likely it is someone very close to you. It is the easier to hurt the one you love the most.
We hope that our advice will help you to leave not only the old grudges, but also not to allow new once, to settle in your soul. After all, only light emotions can make you a happy person. Help you build a happy relationship.